Positivity eludes me

I’d intended to make daily posts about the things that I’m grateful for but I quickly realized that the pessimist in me could not come up with that many positive things to say. So instead of daily posts, I will post when the mood hits me. Unfortunately, the mood did not hit me today. Check back tomorrow.

Calling all smokers

I don’t smoke and there are a couple of reasons why I never will. Everyone knows the health risks to smoking, so I’m not going to even go there. One of the other reasons that I don’t smoke is because it isn’t a pleasant smell. I was listening to a couple of smokers discussing how lucky they were because they don’t “smell” like smokers. After I died laughing and then came back to life, I asked them what made them think they didn’t smell. They said that they couldn’t smell each other or themselves. As someone with all of my olfactory senses intact, I can tell you that they most certainly did smell.

Since then, I’ve heard other smokers who have the same misconception about themselves. So I just wanted to put it out there because there seems to be a lot of delusional people in the smoking world. If you smoke, then you most likely smell like it. Maybe to other smokers it’s like an aphrodisiac or something. But to a non-smoker, it’s not that pleasant.

I’m not saying all of this because I hate smokers. Hell, some of my best friends are smokers. I’m doing this as a public service announcement. I’ve come across many smokers who apparently believe that dousing themselves in an entire bottle of either Chanel #5 or Old Spice, will cover up any traces of smoke. Well, it doesn’t. All that does is make you smell like you spent the night in a whore house. I don’t expect you to quit smoking so that I can breathe easier; I just wanted you to know that despite what you think, you can be smelled. So stop listening to your other smoking friends, or to your family members who can no longer smell and accept the fact that the smell comes with the territory.

Optimism and toilet paper

I’m a somewhat negative person in general but lately I’ve been trying to change that. So everyday I’ve decided to think about something good and say what I’m thankful for. I’m going to skip the obvious things, like my children and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, and try to focus on other things that may normally get overlooked.

Today I am thankful for toilet paper. Toilet paper is one of those things that we take for granted and never really think about until we run out. If it weren’t for toilet paper, we might still be using corn cobs and leaves to “clean up”. So today, I raise my glass of iced tea to toilet paper. It would be a messy place without you.

And let me clarify, I’m not praising all toilet paper just the soft, 3 ply kind. That rough kind that’s more like paper towels can go to hell because I don’t appreciate that.

The evolution of dog crap

So, some dog crapped on my back patio. Ok patio is not quite the right word, it’s more like a slab of concrete and anyone who would call this a patio is either delusional or crazy. So, as I was saying, this dog crapped on my patio. And the first few days that it was out there, it was its normal brown color. A few days later it had done its magic and turned white. A little while after that it appeared that the elements had worked on it because it was mostly just a pile of white dust.

So I sat at my window and watched as the wind blew these tiny particles of dog poop up towards the heavens and I began to wonder.

How many people realize that with every breath, they could be introducing dog crap into their lungs?

And then an even bigger question came to me. I don’t have a dog and my yard is fenced, so where the hell did the crap come from in the first place?

A stylish ho

I live in a city that is very popular among the tourists. One of our major streets has a 10 or so block range that is known for prostitution. However, unlike some places, our prostitutes usually know their place and only come out after dark. But today, I drove down that very street and saw what had to be a working girl doing her stroll at 8:30 IN THE MORNING. Doesn’t she know that hookers, much like vampires and freaks, are only supposed to come out at night? Did she not get that memo?

Anyway, seeing her disturbed me a little. What upset me is not that she’s a hooker because hey, a girl’s got to eat. What bothered me was her attire and physical appearance. She was wearing typical, or should I say stereotypical, hooker attire. There was no creativity, no imagination, no nothing. It was boring and who’s going to hire a boring hooker? Ok, besides a boring man.

You know, I’ve never actually thought about hooking myself but if I were a hooker, I think I’d be a fashionable hooker. Forget the standard prostituting attire, like fishnet stockings and mini skirts. I would wear something like a nice pinstriped pantsuit and wear my hair up in a bun. That way, anyone passing by me would think I was off to my job in corporate America. Oh yeah, I would also wear some horn rimmed glasses. No one would ever suspect that I was actually a hooker. Of course, that may also mean that no one would approach me “to work.” Hmm, maybe I’d have to ditch the horn rimmed glasses.

That’s one hell of a shot

In movies, why is it that whenever someone gets shot, no matter where, they can no longer walk correctly? It doesn’t matter if it’s the finger, eye, arm, toe or groin; they always start limping. Ok, I can understand the limping if you get shot in the groin but since when was the shoulder bone connected to the leg bone? I’ve never been shot before but I’m calling shenanigans on that one.

The scratching arm

While we’re talking about body parts, I also think that we should have 3 arms. The extra arm should grow out of our backs and could be used for butt duty. You know, for digging wedgies, scratching our butts and any other buttock related actions. If you were ever speaking to someone and had to do one of those things, you know how hard it is to do without the other person noticing it. If you had an arm hidden behind your back, you could scratch and pick all day and no one would know. Except for anyone who was standing behind you. In that case, you’d just have to bear with the discomfort.

Why do men have nipples?

I was looking at some random show and a guy mentioned that his nipples were sore. Most people would’ve wondered what the hell he was doing to get sore nipples but I was wondering why he even has them. It would seem that once a baby’s gender has been decided the nipples need to either stay or go. In my world, all males would be born nippleless. Yes, they would look a little strange but we’d get accustomed to it.